Aren’t you another one of that man’s disciples.
He answered , “I am not”.
We too have our line in meandering denials.
Always ready to tie ourselves into a questioning knot.

What do we do when we survey the wondrous cross.
It may be our favourite hymn but is it our guide.
Do we count our greatest gain as loss.
And pour contempt on all our pride.

But when I sing it on Good Friday.
A tear rolls down my cheek .
I seem at that moment to know the way.
Even though my faith is all too weak.

But when we look on this day at the cross.
We know that there will be gain after loss.

……

How do we answer
If asked if a disciple
Do we say I’m not

……

See John 18 : 1-19 , 42

We groan inwardly.
And await the redemption of our bodies.
We walk gingerly and no longer firmly.
For our ailments there are no antibodies.

I read Psalm 38 , a prayer for sickness .
During a long night of back pain.
Trying in every turn to reduce its fierceness.
But of course, everything was in vain.

As we get older hearing and vision dim.
And there is no cure , they don’t get any better.
Against an ever faster flowing tide is our swim.
No longer the pace setter or the go getter.

So I just read the psalm.
And try to sleep and keep calm.

…….

We groan inwardly
And await redemption
Does it ever come

……

See Psalm 38 from today’s Office of Readings

When runners reach the turning point in a racecourse.
They have to pause briefly before they can go back .
We worry looking for truth’s source.
Peering through a spiritual crack.

I was trying to get to sleep with the Office of Readings
And I came across these words from St Basil the Great.
We get so more from this than all those meetings.
With most of them , it doesn’t matter if you are there or early or late.

This is about  a turning point.
We can go on as we are .
Wondering what’s the point.
Or we can follow our star

So for a moment we need to pause.
And wonder what is the root cause.

……

Where’s the turning point
Is it now or  to coming .
But we do not know

…….

From the book , On The Holy Spirit by St Basil the Great , bishop

He said this not because he cared about the poor.
But because he was a thief.
This passion story cuts us to our core.
We feel that from this despair there can be no relief.

So I went to hear Rachmaninoff’s Vespers.
The music rang out in the church of the Temple.
Sung in Russian , the meaning became clear only  in whispers.
But emotion still did tremble .

Really the vespers  is better with men’s bases.
In  the Spiritual atmosphere of an orthodox service.
Giving us ever greater graces.
Digging below the material surface.

But the music lifts you to another plane.
Propelling is into the spiritual fast lane .

……..

The vespers  music
Of Rachmaninoff rang out
Soothingly intense

……..

See John 12 : 1-11

The Jews said , now we know for certain.
You are possessed .
We try to peer behind the curtain.
But we are blessed.

At the Sanctus I bent to kneel.
My knees hit the floor.
And I felt great joy, this was real.
For just one moment you can be struck to the core.

And then the moment passes.
But we believe in that moment he is God
My glory is confirmed by the father, we him  say in masses.
By , he adds , the one of whom you say, he is our god .

They did not believe and cast a stone.
But in their disbelief, with us , they are not alone.

…….

My glory is  thus
Confirmed  then by the father
In whom you believe

…..  …

See John 8 : 51-59

 
Unbind him.
Let him go free.
These words are addressed to us as well as him.
Jesus was not just letting Lazarus go free.

As he raised him from the dead.
So he promises us the same freedom.
And escape from death’s dread.
Thus  with him we will sing a Te Deum.

When he heard that Lazarus was ill.
He stayed where he was for two more days.
We too will have to wait before we know his will.
For the moment we remain blinded by the son’s rays.

But one day he will call us out of our tomb.
Just as he knew us even in the womb.

………

Unbind him he said
Let him go free he ordered
He tells us the same

…….

See John 11 : 1-45

Mary do not be afraid.
You have won God’s favour.
We have strayed and prayed.
But do we really have faith in our saviour.

Once again a long sleepless night.
The worries turning and churning.
And then came St Bernard’s prayer in the half light.
And I started remembering.

Remember Mary that no one who fled to thy protection.
Implored thy help or sought thy intercession.
Was left unaided in this petition.
But I must have faith in the annunciation.

So I stood sinful and sorrowful.
And eventually was dream full.

……

No one who fled
To thy calm protection
Was left unaided

…….

See Luke 1 : 26-38

Our life is short and dreary.
Nor is there any relief when man’s end comes.
And we feel more and more weary.
The innings will soon close without many runs.

I felt under pressure, with no let up in sight.
And under criticism, with hope waning.
Then I looked at a single star through the skylight.
So far away , through the long night, so brightly shining.

But everything needs to be kept in proportion.
If our whole world exploded.
what would life around that star know of our extinction.
We are a small part of the universe now  recorded.

So I looked at the star and said the rosary .
And everything looked a bit more rosy.

……..

Our dreary short life
Without relief at the end
Better look at stars

…….

See Wisdom 2 : 1, 12-22

I have come in the name of my father.
And you refuse to accept me.
At mass something said allowed me to see further.
I was blinded by niggling questioning , now I could better see.

The priest said something obvious .
God is beyond our comprehension.
Trying to pigeon hole him is ridiculous.
Or imagining him after the ascension.

Before I couldn’t imagine him creating billions of stars.
But we shouldn’t see him at all as in the physical world.
He is not in that sense one of ours.
Doubts could now for a time could  be furled.

So when I stopped trying to rationalise.
It was easier not to doubt or categorise.

…….

God not imagined
Is then easier to accept
As he’s beyond us

……..

See John 5 : 31- 47

I tell you most solemnly, whoever listens to my words.
And believes in the one who sent me, has eternal life.
On hearing this, my faith rose up like flying birds.
For this moment I truly believed in the afterlife.

My aim is not to do my own will .
But the will of the one who sent me.
On hearing this too everything stood still.
I realised the Trinity is not a committee.

I have spent my entire life in committees.
But all these arguments now seemed so pointless.
And so all this living in and running around cities.
So much of it is just joyless.

But real joy comes from the Trinity.
And searching for the divinity.

……..

Who listens to words
Of Jesus and believes him
Has eternal life

…….

See John 5 : 17-30

Though it seemed Abraham’s hope could not be fulfilled.
He hoped and he believed.
We sometimes doubt we can ever rebuild.
But fulfilment can be received.

What happened to those disgraced in the Ming dynasty.
They, the yinshi , retired to a hut and wrote poetry.
They led the remainder of their lives privately.
They didn’t say notice me.

Thus failure can lead to success.
One just has to have a little faith.
That more grief may mean less.
But what is more difficult than total faith.

We just keep trying
And is failing.

……

He hoped and believed
Abraham’s hope was fulfilled
And we hope ours too

……..

See Romans 4